Three Blind Mice and a Sister-In-Law

I Know ... I know

2009-08-28T19:21:00.001+10:00

I know I promised.

It was a promise to me ... so does it really count if I broke it.

When I'm stressed I need to blog.

Guess what ... I'm stressed!

Did you see it coming.

I realise that in my life I need an outlet. So this is it... enjoy.

Life Lessons

2006-12-05T09:41:00.001+10:00

Apparently Professor Sumner Miller was from the Why Is It So show. I remember him as the chocolate guy (I've never understood the fascination some people have with chocolate - I'd rather a Bowen Mango).

Life lessons according to the Drewster:

Treat your friends and loved ones well;
Don't insult your friends, their friends or their loved ones;
Know who is and is not a friend;
Just because a person is not a friend does not make them an enemy;
Have sympathy and compassion for other living things;
Just because you can hurt someone, doesn't mean you should;
Look after yourself;
If you insist on anaesthetising yourself with alcohol start to question why you feel the need to anaesthetise yourself;
It does not make you a big man to drink so much you throw up;
Remember to brush your teeth or they will fall out and not grow back;
Washing your bald head will not make your hair grow back;
Physically threatening people does not make you right, it just makes you violent;
Just because you insist that you are right does not make you right;
A person is not automatically a whore, tart or player just because they no longer want to date you;
Just because you broke up with one person does not mean you won't find someone (after 30 break-ups then it's time to start to wonder);
Throwing money around does not make you a rich person;
Sometimes it's better to just smile, make your excuses and leave;
Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win a war;
Workout what your heart is for.

If you think I’m talking about someone specific, I’m not.

If you thought this is about you then you should look at how you treat other people.

Update

2006-12-07T20:21:00.000+10:00

I've been studying my little heart out and it seems to be paying off.

Combine blind panic, determination and a dodgy Internet connection and it's amazing what you can accomplish in a week or so.

I have three exams to come, one is in a week and I'm reasonably confident in it. I was doing some past papers today and was amazed that I not only knew what they were on about but that I knew the answers. This scares me of course - it can't be that straightforward (or could it?). The paranoid part of me thinks that it’s just wishful thinking – perhaps I’m deluding myself.

The other two subjects are still in the danger zone. One subject is in particularly bad shape. I still have time, determination and a dodgy Internet connection. And once I read some of the past papers I’ll have blind panic as well.

Stay safe kiddies.

I want to keep up with the Jones'

2006-12-12T08:53:00.001+10:00

Mugshot ... Nicole Richie / Reuters - Photo Source

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is that makes you cool. It's been so long since I've been cool that I've forgotten. The world has moved on whilst I was distracted with living my life and not caring about what people think of me. (how dare I !)

According to Hollywood starlets - this is what I need in order to be cool:

An eating disorder which results in me being so skinny that I get to wear clothes that would fit a 5 year old, small boned, malnourished child;
A drug history preferably combined with a stint in rehab;
Breast enhancements but I'm not allowed to be happy with them. If I like them women will hate me but if I hate them and am in constant pain then women will pity me;
A mug shot. It doesn't matter what I'm charged with, but it helps the bad girl image. And I have to look crappy in it, no sexy/happy mug shots are permitted;
A racist drunken publicized rant;
A sex tape. I have to be in constant fear someone will sell it on the web;
I need to inject poison into my face. I think they call it Botox;
I need to kiss randoms and allow them to feel me up whilst my partner looks on approvingly;
A paparazzi pack;
I need to be secretly (yet publicly) bisexual;
A xxx Brazilian wax and then I have to flash my hairless crotch to the world at every opportunity.

If I do all of this, I will be cool. It's going to take a while, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Christmas Time

2006-12-17T13:02:00.000+10:00

The panic has subsided. What will be will be.

Four things annoy me:

Cold Rain
Crowds
Queuing so long for a drink I sober up
Waiting for a taxi

There's lots more than that but those come immediately to mind.

I've decided to have a sober Christmas. I'm growing tired of the trauma I put my body through when I drink. Alcohol is a poison. I no longer wish to poison myself.

I used to treat my body as a temple. Everything that went into it was considered, I'd weigh the benefits against the negative consequences. There were times I took this to the extreme, but I think now I've gone too far the other way.

It's time to look after me.

Given my poor previous history in following reservations it will be interesting to see how long this one lasts.

2006-12-21T08:35:00.000+10:00

Every year I make a Christmas list and stick it on the fridge. I normally include some gag gifts that I know are just never going to make it under the tree.

This year, I know everything is possible and I'm serious when I say that I want everything on this list:

World Peace
A cure for all cancers
An end to world hunger
A cure for AIDS
People to feel love for Mother Earth
An end to cellulite
People to consider others ( in a positive way)

Santa visits me every year because I'm a very good girl. Normally he leaves gifts, eats the very special cookies I bake for him, drinks the beer and leaves without a sound. This year I am not going to be so selfish. This year I am going to wait up for him and thank him personally.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Today is a Sad day for all Womankind

2006-12-29T14:19:00.000+10:00

Captain Jack ( John Barrowman from Torchwood) has married his boyfriend of 15 years in the UK.

I'm glad he is happy but simultaneously sad he will never be happy with me.

Why Men Never Get Published in the Agony Columns....

2007-01-04T16:54:00.000+10:00

Product labels...

2007-01-14T12:30:00.000+10:00

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

Drink the Pub Dry ...

2007-01-17T08:31:00.000+10:00

Drink the pub dry was last night. We didn't drink the pub dry but I gave it a good shot;
If it was you that I declared my undying love for, I didn't get your name, please introduce yourself;
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm never drinking again, not as long as I live.

Things that are wrong in the world

2007-01-22T09:48:00.000+10:00

Heather Mills is getting about $AU80 Million after 4 years of marriage. Source;
Australia has no freedom of speech and now we can't wear shirts indicating our political preferences (Consti is a bit hazy for me but I'm sure that's wrong). A man was barred from boarding a flight wearing a T-Shirt depicting Bush as a terrorist. Source
Hugh Hefner wants Posh Spice to pose for Playboy - that's the final straw, I'm cancelling my subscription. Source
A duck has survived days in a refrigerator after being shot by a hunter. It scared the man's wife when it lifted it's head after she opened the fridge door. I'd make some crack about the duck getting justice but somehow the wife being scared just does not compare to what the duck went through. Source

My Helmet will Save Me

2007-01-23T11:46:00.000+10:00

I don't know why I'm in a good mood, but I am. My dreams are coming true, Chase is selling sugar free Red Bull.

End of week ...

2007-01-25T19:22:00.000+10:00

Friday will hereinafter be known as Vodka and Red Bull time ....

My Lesbian Shirt

2007-01-27T17:26:00.000+10:00

I was informed on Thursday that I was wearing my lesbian shirt.

I don't know what it is that makes it a lesbian shirt. Perhaps it doesn't show the girls off enough (or does).

I was telling my sister that I (apparently) had a lesbian shirt and she told me that she was also told she was wearing a lesbian shirt on Thursday. Normally this would have calmed me but she was wearing a shirt I gave her.

I Once was Blind but Now I See....

2007-06-13T19:11:00.000+10:00

Two years ago my eyes were blinded by the dream of something better. But I am blind no more - now I see.

Two years ago I ran away from a well paid industry for the promise of something I thought would be more interesting, less political (yes LESS political), and much much more fun. But now I know better.

After two VERY LONG days in the workforce I understand the true nature of the problem.

It was not my previous industry I hated but it was the very essence of employment that I despise - it is having to work for income that I hate.

I'm a lazy arse and just don't like having to do any work. Two years at university has spoilt me, I'm used to being a lady of leisure and quite frankly I HATE having to be up at 6 am to be at work by 8am and not getting home until 7pm. And worse than all of that is that I can't partake in my ritual nightly drinking habit as I need to be up early for work.

This leads me to the inevitable conclusion that WORK is for SUCKERS and work is not for me.

After a day of dreaming about escape I've come up with a few exit plans (they aren't great but it's been a long day):

Win the lotto; - and quickly
Inherit lots of money from a dying relative; This may require another family to adopt me.
Become a Plaintiff in a "must win" case that will require a massive damages payout; ... that could take a while
Force Best-Friend-With-Benefits to work 7 days a week ... which may make him too tired for other things...
Find a rich old guy with a heart problem, work my way into his will and ride him to death. Think Anna-Nicole without the breast implants or angry heirs but with a lot more sex (hey I might as well enjoy waiting for the heart attack to get him)
The PHD .... The PHD is taunting me ... I get to experience university life again, great coffee, Law balls, parties, cheap gym membership, I don't have to pay the government back unless I earn a wage and drinking is mandatory .... it's definitely a possibility but that 100,000 word requirement might bite.

Best friend with benefits may object to number 5 but probably not as loudly as he would object to number 4 .... I think I have a plan.....

I'll keep you posted.

To the Person who left this on my car....

2007-06-16T17:34:00.000+10:00

Either get a seeing eye dog or learn to use the eyes you have. I was within the lines;
You had a little car yet you parked close to the line on the drivers side. Perhaps it's not new eyes you need;
Instead of being angry at other people for parking within their car space perhaps you could take a long hard look in the mirror and go on a diet;
It's Ms Head to you and don't ask why.

Paul McDermott

2007-06-21T13:57:00.000+10:00

Frank from Distortrait.com has been kind enough to indulge me again ....

Hmmmm

2007-07-11T21:51:00.000+10:00

Life has not been great for me lately. I'm developing allergic reactions to hypo-allergenic products and I think my drinking has caught up with me. I'm not happy about it.

My face is peeling, my feet are itchy, the insides of my cheeks are peeling, I have excema and hives on my stomach. The next stage up in my "usual" reaction cycle results in whole-body hives brought on by a reaction to washing detergent. Normally I switch detergents, walk around in very little for a few days until my reaction subsides and go on a liver cleansing program to clear the toxins from my system. When I was little Mum had to cycle through soaps and washing detergents so I didn't react and overly processed foods made me ill. I haven't had these problems for years and I had hoped that I had grown out of them. But here I am again faced with detox.

When I detox I do it seriously; I go Vegan. Normally I'd welcome being a Vegan again, but this time I'm not so sure. I'd have to give up things I've really come to depend on like alcohol, Red Bull, caffeine, salami and milk. All of which I love and I'm not sure I'd be me without.

And to top it off [Baby Botox] is yelling at me. I'm honest with him about my lifestyle. Seeing him is like confession; he knows everything about my life. He also knows that for me to start reacting like this I've been hitting it way too hard for way too long.

I have a choice to make between breaking out or going on a detox. I'm beginning to wonder if breaking out and itching is worth it.

The Grim Kitty

2007-07-27T10:48:00.001+10:00

Apparently a rehabilitation centre cat has a sixth sense regarding patients about to kick the bucket. Source

Kitty sits on the patients bed and provides them with company in their final hours. Kitty is so accurate that workers have started notifying patents relatives.

Did it occur to anyone that the patients are dying of fright after the cat with the reputation of predicting death sits on their bed?

Moron Photographer at the Grand Cannon

2008-02-24T14:50:00.006+10:00

The pictures explain themselves.

The Ashes

2006-12-01T15:07:00.001+10:00

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English
team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

The Crime Channel

2007-01-18T09:29:00.001+10:00

I'm addicted to the Crime channel. I just finished watching a documentary on Meth. The first half of the documentary made it sound really appealing. You shoot up, get naked, get sex and get more. I was wondering what was stopping me. But alas there is a down side. All you want is wild sex with total strangers. The sex has to get more dangerous/violent to give the high they chase. One guy saves injecting for special occasions ... such as night time. One guy was convinced he was Hitler and another was convinced his life was broadcast on the net. Some of them had HIV ... what a shock. It makes me wonder what I'd do if I got a terminal illness. Would I clean up my life and try to buy myself more time or would I indulge myself with no concern for my safety or lifespan?

Now "Crime Scene Physics" is on ... apparently someone is unable to contact a missing person in the spirit world so they must be alive. What a ray of hope to the family of the missing person! What a load of rubbish. I'm sure when they find the person's body the physic will say that the person probably was too traumatised to be contacted or something equally as ridiculous. Amazingly the Physic got some bits right. They don't bother telling us what they got wrong. I somehow can't believe that they got everything right. The guy is dead and some guy has been found guilty of his murder. But the Physic is still saying they were right all along (they have a very bad memory);

Irritating People on Planes...

2007-01-19T00:51:00.002+10:00

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link

More YouTube Funnies

2007-07-24T11:57:00.001+10:00

Reminds me of the Thai dogs that were fired for sexual harrassment.

- just on that topic. What where the dog handlers thinking? Did they think that the dogs were not going to be dogs. The handlers knew the dogs were dogs when they put the dogs to work and the handlers knew what dogs do - that's why the dogs were hired. Would it take a genius to work out that the dogs are going to stick their noses everywhere there's an interesting smell regardless of where the smell emanates?

Blogging

2008-10-31T13:02:00.002+10:00

I've decided to come out of hibernation and blog again.

I miss it. I don't know why I blog but that has never stopped me doing anything before.

In other news I'm finally getting a tattoo... and this bike ....

More later.